Its just another normal night

Today, i agrued with my mom - again. This is not the 1st time nor last. We agrued more than once in a single day - fighting over nothing. The worse fight between us also occured almost every month. And i dont keep it in heart - because i dont give a Damn.

Today i was thinking - why we always mad to each other? was it my ego - probably. Or just that my mood or her mood that occurs? I dunno. What i know is she is my mother, other said "your mother always right" - so yeah, my mom always right. And i quickly escape from her when things got worse. No point agruing for nothing. My mom always right - Hell Yeah

lol

My mother is always been my Mother - nothing else. Every goodness about a "mom" always reflected to my mom. She is my mother. She gave birth to me. She raise me. She thought me. And so other else that other mom would done. She is just my mom - again nothing else. She is not my friend but my mom. Thats what i had been highlighted. I never shared with my mom about what i always shared with my friends - but actually, im not that sharing enough with my friends. I didnt confess to her about how i felt - either i was happy, sad, angry, discouraged, motivated, aimless, dreams and so on. I also rarely talked about my daily life. I dunno - just dont like it. Not because of her but i also dont talked about myself alot to my other friends.

I realized something very obvious. Each and everytime after our horse riding activities - i keep a distance with her. Im not sure why but in my head i can imagine our "nice" talk about this activities - her complaining. She always complained everything what im done wrong in her eyes but yet she was doing the exact same mistake that ive done. Her reason? "Im Old" or "Im Tired". Yep! shes 48 now and mothers always right - Hell Yeah.

Since i was small - she never accept what i like. Im a gamer, rough girl, hate pink, hate cooking, hate housework and so on. Im not her perfect girl - her only girl is screwed and her dream girl is ruined. How i know? Easy - our housemaid told me a story that My Mom Asked My House Maid To Help Pray For Me To Be More Girlish Mature. What the Fuck? Im so pissed off. She really crossed the line. I am very upset with her

Being a girl doesnt mean to be in love with the pink. My mom always compared me with other "perfect" girls. She always told me about how they walk, how they smiled, how they talked, how they do and so on. She also mention me about how much other Girls talked and shared with their mothers. Me? I simply dont give a damn - why should i share my heart with someone whom doesnt accept me? I do not act cold with my mother - im still laugh with her. Just that i dont share my diary with other else.

I am just being the surface - even my friends dont know what i felt in the deep heart. Even myself also - Im not sure myself sometimes. Most people will accept me as their "best friend forever" but the truth is - i dont think that im their best friends. Seriously, I helped them just a little then they rise me up as BFF. What a life. They never Care to know either im happy or sad when the changes is obvious. I wonder if i got a real friend. Just now, i said that im mo0dy - just a few people entertained me to make me laugh. I was "ROFL" but behind the keyboard - my heart was touched and i was crying with joy because theres a people our there -even tough not that elite standard with money or fame can give me such a hope and promise. I felt a bit valued.

I wanted to cry but my tears wont roll down to my cheeks - Am i too ego to cry or am i used to not be crying?

What are the things that i can see through u

This really give me a bullshits (i wont use bad word that often >.<") But its really a pain in the ass when u knew that something is not meant for u.

Example;
-Since in the begining, i knew this guy doesnt have a honest friendship with me But i still friend with him
-I lied to him (another guy) and that that guy knew it because he say it out loud that i was lying and yet he shared his deepest secret with me after that without any doubt
-From certain point, I KNEW this guy (a total different person) has a crush on me and I played his feeling very deep

epic FAIL

Here some junks that i wanna share with u =D
Damn funny!! And i love them!!! Epic Rules!! *Karma is opposite with Epic Fail

As I said "Super Good Luck = Super Bad Luck"

On 17th April, me and my friend Con jr will be going to Kinokunia KLCC. I went to her house around 11am and she invited me for lunch (maggie tomyam) at her house. So around 12pm we went to KTM public transport.

We went to KLCC, meet with her 2 older bros and we dashed to the book store. I felt like heaven - There were lots of BOOKS! i wish i can there there longer but Con jr.'s big bros invited us to go for some "heavy" teatime lol. So, I bought lots of books that i can grab xD. After hang out with the bros, Con jr and I went for pc fair - searching for Con jr's new DSL camera for her photography class.

Pc Fair was like ant nest. The crowds were mobilizing nonstop. Me and Con jr walk straight from 3rd floor to ground floor - non stop. We looking for the perfect camera for Con jr and my feet became sore. I cant stand walking anymore and we sat on the floor, near the edge. On that point, I saw another world - The world of Foot Wear. Its really fun tough, i saw a lot of things~ From fair skin and hairy foot to fashionable shoes and black painted toenails. Its really gave me lots of inspiration, especially on the stylish high heels. Woot!

Before we preparing to go home, Con jr got a call from her mom - her family will be going to Ampang and Con jr cant go home with me now or else she locked outside. Either she like it or not, Con jr had to stay back with her bros - and i will go home alone.

Well, this is not my 1st time walking alone to go back home... But that time it was around 6pm - most people will be heading home especially from the pc fair. So, with uncertain feeling i took trains toward the PWTC - 3 stations away from KL Central. I missed the 1st train to the PWTC because i was doubting myself - 10 minutes wasted

Then the 2nd train arrived, and i hop on towards PWTC. I did this because I Know that the Train to Shah Alam will be packed with people - and i wan sit for the 30 minutes in the train =X

So the train arrived to the PWTC and i wait for another train to go back to KL Central - wasted another 15 minutes. After that, I simply hop on without knowing which station will the train go. After the train passed the KL Central, My train was suppose to go to Kg Datuk Harun. But this train went to the MID Valley Megamall. I was confused that time and didnt get out from the train until it stopped at another station - Seposen (or something simillar - will edit)

That Station was empty and dark. I was scared - true. And i didnt ask nor go to the counter for further information. Instead I wait for another train on the opposite site - wasted around 20 minutes.

I was alone there - terrified. And my mind overwhelm said "If I wanna go travel alone, Why I am So Scared Now!?"
Well, at LEAST it gave me a courage to wait for the next train. To unease myself, I smsed 2 person - 1 is Con jr and other is another random people. I waiting for their reply but the result was zero. I knew Con jr's handphone was low battery while thar guy's handphone was soaked with water. I experienced the true meaning of loneliness on that night

I was wondering - Why I sms with the person whom cant be in touch now?! I dunno, Hoping for luck i guess....
And the train had arrived. I had to go back to KL central again and switch for the correct train. And i wonder if i should do again to PWTC - will be wasted around 25 minutes again......so No

Wasted another 15 minutes in KL Central....

While I was in KL Central, I was observing people as usual. I saw a group of teenage laughing and chatting around. I am surely missed my teen days - the laugh, the fun, the joke, the friendship....

Train had arrived ~ yippee!! But wait! 5 minutes on train there was a black out. What the HELL!? i was standing in the crowd really long. My foot plams were really sore and my knees shacking. I only hold on grip of the ceiling of the train - which got aircond made me cant feel my hands. I spotted a couple, whom standing not far away from me - the girl was laying on her boyfriend's shoulder. I was also wanted to do what she did, Not because i envy or jealous of her but i just wanted to rely on someone - to rest. I felt weak but i still stand still. My heart felt sorrow but somehow, i got a strength about not to worry too much.

I dunno how i push away the sorrow. I kept my head straight, eyes widen, and ears sharp. I heard someone was playing games in the KTM lol. That made me smiled. When i look down the floor, i saw the guy standing in front of me took of the slipers - Good Idea!! coz my foot felt the same! and i took off my sandals. And i was standing on my bare foot until we reached Shah Alam

On that night, I went to car open the window and enjoyed the Neon Nights - actually i more enjoyed myself on the breeze through the window. I reached home around 9.43pm
Lucky my parents didnt scolded me and i said i was already eaten for dinner. I was not! but i really dont have any mo0d for dinner since i was on the wrong track

And i was late for ZAKUM for my guild >.<"
I missed it 2 times.

I was really down after that and I thought i will be scolded by the guild master - Well 80% almost. Then i got an invitation from my friend and his guild for zakkum run (once our ally from the previous guild) and my spirit was normal again.

the Good Luck of the Day
-free lunch
-bought lots of book
-got the % coupon for the next visit to Kinokunia
-meet a cute guy which is friend of Con jr's big bro
-got sprayed perfume by that guy *3/4 times*
-bought something that i really want from the pc fair

the Bad Luck of the Day
-missed the train once
-lonely
-hop on the wrong train
-time totally wasted
-feet trembling *2 days to recover*
-hungry

Open Minded and "Open Minded"

Just Now i got spam sms which caused me to write this blog lol.

It said ;
"Fikiran bebas ? Rakaman syok video stim! seronok lyna & kawan. Nak tengok balas Ya. Warning ! Untuk umur 18 keatas & fikiran bebas sahaja - From +0174268548 "

I translate it roughtly;
"Open minded ? syiok recorded video! fun with lyna & friends. Wanna watch reply Yes. Warning ! Only for 18 years above & open minded only - From +0174268548"

This is not the 1st time i received this sms, somehow i replied;
"Fuck off dude"

Lolololol - i wonder why i did reply that? I usually delete this spam after read it. I wonder this spam was from the hacker. I really got nerves 0A0~! I purposely publish the hp number just in case =D


Ok- Lets hear my points;
They use "Open minded" in a wrong terms.

I dunno what the heck are they talking about - if im not mistaken; Are They The Fucking Hell Mimic The Western?? Seriously Dude, Get Ur Ass Alive from the Hell

i was like -What?? Open minded?! I myself can consider as open minded but this is off limit! Even the Western THEMSELF not like this, i hope >.<"

Even if im not a malay or a muslim - i can think the hell out straight about this nonsense. U guys are really cheep and make me pissed when u guys are same religion and race as me.

Our religion are not to be like that - We got our reason of why we are not suppose to do this "project". The 1st logic was - If u gave ur pride to someone, what should u give to ur husband?? U will got nothing to give to him. And guys were like "STFU" with u.

I will write about this article later - Coz im now mapling (bossing soon) xD


I felt SO sorry for freelance bitches and gigolo like u =D
enjoy urself in hell ^^


xxx

Things that i Amazed myself

Today, i did my artwork again. A freelance for my blonde girl friend whom i meet in MapleStory.

Whenever i did an artwork - if the artwork is similar with the previous artwork that i done before (eg like drawing pikachu eating apple in the 1st place then draw pikachu again eating pineapple for the 2nd artwork) I usually open the previous file to pick the colours. Very easy and fast - I dont have to open my eyes wide to choose which colour properly with hazerous numbering codes of colours!

That part, when i open my previous art - I was amazed. The 1st thought was "Did i do this?? Its beautiful 0_o" I very rare to praise myself like that, even for my own beauty and posture.

*blank for a sec*

I did drew the previous art with my heart, maybe thats why it look beautiful. I was amazed by my own talent. I usually dont look again at my finished art for some reason >.>" I felt that im still no0b =\ And i got some bitter memory related with this situation....

A Bitter Memory that caused the way who i am now....

Once in my life time

It was a rainy day, i was barely 8 years old. On that time me and my family were at my mom's mother house(aka granny's house in english). My mother is a kelantanese, therefore we call our granny "Cik". Im not sure why but i think it is because its the culture of the community in that area.

it rained heavily since in the morning. I guess it was a monsoon season. I was siting infront of the front door - bored. That year was 199x, no high tech and the TV was not that popular as we seen now. But lucky enough Cik's house got 1 small TV - provided by my dad. Most of my cousions were just slacking around, playing with the cats and sleeping on the sofa or floor. My Cik's house got dozens of cats - from kitten until very old cat. But its not a big deal for the neighbors because everyone got at least 3 cats in the house. Another culture in that area hahas....

Suddenly my big bro came up and approach me, asking if i wanted to go out. I looked at him blankly because it was still raining, theres nothing much we can do while wet weather. He just said bring an umbrella and a pair slippers then can go out already. I went excited and my bros said do not tell our mom and he also invited our cousions too.

It was already after lunch, just me, my big bro and my tallest cousion decided to go out on that rainy day. Others was lazy and thought it was a brainless idea. They seen no point for getting themselves wet. But i was on that time didnt mind them because i already hate most them ever since. We went out quietly and my adventure had begun....

I dont remember it well, but what i can imagine was the sky is still wet. I remembered we went to paddy fields, very wide and common. I also remembered some bulls and buffalo there, enjoying their meals and some of them "swimming" in the paddy field. I quite remembered that we walking on the hunch of the paddys and some fake man were spotted. The greatest part was, there were no people at all surround us. Just me, my big bro and my tallest cousion. It was like being in a world without adults - just kids for us. We can do anything during that time - we swam in the flood, rolling on the road, get ourself wet, play with the water, and even facing to the sky and made open our mouth wide. It was great since there were no pollutions in that area.

Time to dust up

Quite a lot happend since the last post until today. 1stly i thought i wanted to use this blog for my arts and such - and it failed lol

Not many people knew my blog because i kept it secretly and hidden. And lately, for a few reason - i need a diary. Not to express myself but to see how was my life going...

I kept a long black note book in my room, i wrote it with invisible ink. When i cried, angry, depress, upset, humiliated, overjoyed, and such will be expressed out in the book. Sometimes i read it out of the blue, i can see my tears marks although the pages was "blank".

Life is sucks - yes its true. But doesnt means that we have to follow this "suckness". Set urself free but dont too much freedom.

I remembered my old childhood dreams after i meet this guy. Another online friend, aged 25 this year and lived in Penang. From my point of view, hes kinda dumb and slow - but yet funny, easy to bully, responsible and strong heart. He told me that he went to Russia, melacca (i dunno if theres another place) and penang to study. From long story to short, i admire him because he went so many places to study.

I was thinking about the whole conversation while i was driving to fetch my bros from night tuition. And somehow, i remembered my past....