Its just another normal night

Today, i agrued with my mom - again. This is not the 1st time nor last. We agrued more than once in a single day - fighting over nothing. The worse fight between us also occured almost every month. And i dont keep it in heart - because i dont give a Damn.

Today i was thinking - why we always mad to each other? was it my ego - probably. Or just that my mood or her mood that occurs? I dunno. What i know is she is my mother, other said "your mother always right" - so yeah, my mom always right. And i quickly escape from her when things got worse. No point agruing for nothing. My mom always right - Hell Yeah

lol

My mother is always been my Mother - nothing else. Every goodness about a "mom" always reflected to my mom. She is my mother. She gave birth to me. She raise me. She thought me. And so other else that other mom would done. She is just my mom - again nothing else. She is not my friend but my mom. Thats what i had been highlighted. I never shared with my mom about what i always shared with my friends - but actually, im not that sharing enough with my friends. I didnt confess to her about how i felt - either i was happy, sad, angry, discouraged, motivated, aimless, dreams and so on. I also rarely talked about my daily life. I dunno - just dont like it. Not because of her but i also dont talked about myself alot to my other friends.

I realized something very obvious. Each and everytime after our horse riding activities - i keep a distance with her. Im not sure why but in my head i can imagine our "nice" talk about this activities - her complaining. She always complained everything what im done wrong in her eyes but yet she was doing the exact same mistake that ive done. Her reason? "Im Old" or "Im Tired". Yep! shes 48 now and mothers always right - Hell Yeah.

Since i was small - she never accept what i like. Im a gamer, rough girl, hate pink, hate cooking, hate housework and so on. Im not her perfect girl - her only girl is screwed and her dream girl is ruined. How i know? Easy - our housemaid told me a story that My Mom Asked My House Maid To Help Pray For Me To Be More Girlish Mature. What the Fuck? Im so pissed off. She really crossed the line. I am very upset with her

Being a girl doesnt mean to be in love with the pink. My mom always compared me with other "perfect" girls. She always told me about how they walk, how they smiled, how they talked, how they do and so on. She also mention me about how much other Girls talked and shared with their mothers. Me? I simply dont give a damn - why should i share my heart with someone whom doesnt accept me? I do not act cold with my mother - im still laugh with her. Just that i dont share my diary with other else.

I am just being the surface - even my friends dont know what i felt in the deep heart. Even myself also - Im not sure myself sometimes. Most people will accept me as their "best friend forever" but the truth is - i dont think that im their best friends. Seriously, I helped them just a little then they rise me up as BFF. What a life. They never Care to know either im happy or sad when the changes is obvious. I wonder if i got a real friend. Just now, i said that im mo0dy - just a few people entertained me to make me laugh. I was "ROFL" but behind the keyboard - my heart was touched and i was crying with joy because theres a people our there -even tough not that elite standard with money or fame can give me such a hope and promise. I felt a bit valued.

I wanted to cry but my tears wont roll down to my cheeks - Am i too ego to cry or am i used to not be crying?